Insecure!

I am a 26 year old mother of two kids, and let’s just say that my body will never be the same like when I was 20. My Hispanic genes have let me down and I am just so unhappy with my body right now. I tried watching what I was eating, but it got really hard, especially when my husband doesn’t like to eat healthy foods.

Anyway, so the other day I found pictures of half-naked women in Edward’s phone. I was hurt more than anything. I thought to myself, is that what he wants me to look like?

I confronted him about it and he apologized. He said he would never do that again. Hm, well that remains to be seen.

To top it off, my brother and my sister-in-law are living with me. My sis-in-law is a sweet girl. She is 20 and thin. She plays around a lot with Edward. They’re always throwing each other stuff and just basically playing around a lot. It’s gotten to the point to where it’s making me insanely jealous and uncomfortable.

I don’t know if it’s just innocent playing or if it’s crossing the line. I know what I’m “supposed” to do. I’m supposed to confront Edward and tell him that I don’t like him playing with my sis-in-law like that.

I’m afraid that by telling him that, he’s going to see me as some clingy wife. At the same time, I can’t help but feel really insecure because of the pictures I found on his phone. Did I mention I also saw that he was looking at escort services? He said it was because they have naked pics and he likes to look at them when I don’t have sex with him. He said he would never be stupid like sleep with someone else.

I told him, “I can put up with a lot as you have seen, but the minute you cheat on me, I’m gone. There’s no turning back on that.” I have always made it clear that the minute he crosses that line, he loses me.

I don’t think I have ever felt this insecure before.

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Edward got fired on Friday from his job. Not going to discuss the details, but let’s just say it was something we were expecting, so I wasn’t too shocked when he told me that he was let go.

The good thing is we have taken this situation in stride and haven’t panicked. Also, it looks like he got hired as a salesman for a dealership near my work.

I told him that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this way, he can get a normal job and even spend more time with us, including holidays. Maybe this was meant to be because since he stopped working there, we have gotten along better. (I know it’s been only like 2 or 3 days, but it is better than before).

I pray that he did get this job and that we can improve our financial situation..

Have a great Monday!!

Car ride.

Having Edward pick me up and drop me off from work really sucks. I don’t mind the whole transportation situation. I’m more bothered by his attitude while in the car. He creates an awkward silence between us because he is so obviously annoyed that he has to be picking me up. It’s such an uncomfortable ride.

He could easily be accepted to get a little car but he doesn’t want to be seen in an embarrassing vehicle. Sometimes I don’t know how I fell for him.

Edward and have been pretty neutral lately. We avoid talking at times to avoid arguing. I am currently in the process of trying to straighten out our finances and catch up on our bills. He seemed to have agreed to that at first, but now it looks like he really doesn’t want to. 

I have been talking to his mom about this situation and she has helped me find strength to stick to my plan. If Edward can’t agree to this, then I don’t think we can continue with our relationship seeing as how our priorities differ way too much.

We will see how the weekend goes I guess.

I told his mom.

I just texted Edward’s mom about what he told me about killing himself if I left him. She hasn’t responded yet, but I’m glad somebody else that knows him knows about what he said. 

Oh, and to top it off, he is regarding anger management as a joke and doesn’t even want to look for any classes.

I’m going to put my foot down and make him do it when we have the money to do it. Obviously this week we can’t because we are stressed out about money like we always are because of his poor decisions.

Still very hurt.

I’m trying to get back on track and act like everything is okay, but I keep replaying that scene in my head where he totally disrespected me and I just feel so much sadness. I wish I could talk about this with someone, but it’s not that easy. They would tell me to leave him right away, and I can’t. My kids are so sweet and innocent and I can’t be to blame for a broken family. I just can’t.

At the same time, I can’t just go back to holding his hand and kissing him again as if nothing happened. He apologized, but I told him “I’m sorry” just isn’t enough anymore.

I know marriage isn’t supposed to be easy, but nobody ever said it would be this hard either.