Update!

It sure has been a loooong time since I have written here!!!  Things have improved in all aspects of my life as of now.

My husband and I have been getting along so much better- better than ever.  We hardly argue.  We laugh together and play around together and help each other discipline the kids.

I am also on a weight loss journey.  I have lost 25 lbs. in 1 month and a half.  It has made me feel better and I’ve been in a better mood and I have generally felt better about myself.  My husband has been so supportive of my weight loss.  Actually, everyone has been very supportive.  I joined MyFitnessPal and I receive a lot of encouragement there.

I wake up at 5:00 AM from Monday through Friday to do a 2 mile walk.

Oh, and my son has started Pre-K this year!

I know I am just talking about everything, but I am just really excited about my life right now.

We have not bought a house yet, but we are getting closer to that!

Also, I am still going to school online.  I should receive my Bachelor’s Degree in less than 2 years.

I am so happy that I am working on improving all aspects of my life and not just sitting and complaining about it…

Have a great day everyone!

And more fighting.

We try to reconcile and move on, but every new issue brings up the opportunity to disagree.  Something as simple as the changing the kids’ doc. appointment is enough to make us have a huge fight.

I want to leave him so bad.

Fighting all of the Time.

Edward and I have been fighting so much lately, and it is just totally wearing me out.  I feel like I am aging because of the stress that he puts on me.  Sometimes, instead of being a partner, he seems to create more problems than solving them with me.

I do love him, but sometimes I wonder how life would be easier if he wasn’t around. Our money wouldn’t be spent as quickly. We would all be more positive. We wouldn’t even be associated with the pawn shop.

There are times when I have to block thoughts about him so I won’t think of him in a negative light.

Yet here we are, two kids later, living at my mom’s. I am glad, though, that we both have jobs.

I am still continuing with my education online.  I have already completed 3 classes.  I am currently taking a Psychology course.  If all goes well, I will get my Associate’s Degree in Psychology this summer, and my Bachelor’s degree in exactly 2 years and 4 months.

I pray that God give me the strength to finish my classes so that I can get a degree!!! That way I can advance in my career and I won’t have to depend on anyone financially.

Life won’t always be like this… right?

These are the little people that do cheer me up:

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It’s Been a Long While

It’s been quite a long time since I have updated here.  So much has happened since then!

I have converted to Christianity. I feel so much better now that I have a relationship with God. I don’t know if any of you remember how I was struggling internally with accepting that it was God’s will that my dad get all of his disabilities during the last 2 years of his life. I have finally accepted it and feel better now. My family and I go to Bible study every Wednesday and attend church on Sundays.

Another thing, Marisol (my co-worker) quit. So, I have taken over her position and I got a raise, so I’ve been pretty glad about that.

It’s sad that Marisol quit because she was jealous that I got a bonus check at one point and she didn’t. I am glad she is gone, though, because I always felt she was having bad thoughts about me and was sending me bad wishes my way.

Anyway, I hope everyone is okay!! 🙂

Dad

My dad passed away last Sunday. Although I am happy that he is now in a better place, I still feel so much sadness that he is permanently gone. I have heard that we will be “reunited” when we all pass away, but I still have a shred of skepticism that doesn’t allow me to fantasize like that. I miss visiting him and seeing him light up when he would see my kids.

I guess I can be grateful that he did meet my kids at all, even if he was bed-ridden and couldn’t speak.

We visited his grave yesterday, and I couldn’t stop crying. I can’t believe I won’t see him again.

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I don’t know if I had written here about my classes. I enrolled into online school. I am almost done with my first class. I have hope for a better future now. I am having a dilemma with transferring my credits, but I’m hoping I will get that fixed soon.

Renewed Love.

I got home on Friday afternoon and I told Edward as soon as I could that I needed to talk to him. I told him I wasn’t going to start a fight, but there were things I needed to discuss with him because it was driving me crazy. I told him about how I felt insecure because of the things I found. I also told him how I didn’t like for him to be playing around too much with my sister-in-law because it made me very uncomfortable. All in all, our conversation went well. I told him that I think I needed to prioritize our love life more and basically say yes to him more often in bed so that we could both be happier. And it’s true. I keep him happy in bed, he keeps me happy out of bed. I guess men tend to need physical reassurance to feel secure in the relationship.

Anyway, when it comes to my sister-in-law, I felt kind of awkward around her after I had told Edward how I felt about them playing around. Well, on Saturday, she started spraying silly string on him and she does things like that so that he could chase her around and stuff. He did get the bottle and sprayed her and I think that was it, but it was still enough to upset me. He was telling me, “Look how much silly string she has in her hair.” And I was washing the dishes and I just nodded without even looking at him. He could tell that I was upset. I told him I was going upstairs to take a bath. In reality, I just wanted to get away from everyone because I couldn’t stand that she was constantly flirting with him like that. Right away, he came upstairs to see if I was actually mad. I told him, “of course I’m mad.” He tells me, “You see? I didn’t start it. She’s the one that started it.” I told him, “Yes, I know, but you need to ignore her when she does that.” I broke down and told him how insecure I felt because of my weight and because I’m older than her (she’s 20 and I’m 26) and I was scared he would lose interest in me. He sort of got emotional as he explained to me that he loved me so much and that he would be dumb to cheat on me because I’m always there for him and he couldn’t imagine his life without me.

After that conversation, I felt so much better. We even had a rendezvous in the restroom yesterday. I’ve been trying to flirt back with him when he flirts with me. I have been sitting next to him in the couch and cuddling with him, which he told me he likes. In return, he helped me change some diapers and also cleaned the kitchen. He even went outside with the kids without even complaining.

I think if I keep showing more affection towards him he won’t feel the need to see as much porn or whatever.

We have been married for almost 4 years and I want this to work out. We just need to keep working on it, no matter what it takes, because we love each other a lot and I can’t imagine being without him sometimes.

Returning to the topic of my sister-in-law, I don’t know if she really is flirting with him on purpose or not, but it does make me upset that I’m letting her and Lupe live with me for free and the she can’t seem to show some respect towards my marriage and not play around inappropriately with my husband, don’t you think?

Why do we dumb ourselves to be with a man? Is it because we don’t think we deserve better or can get a nicer guy? Is it because we are afraid of starting all over again?

I’m thinking about when I confronted him about seeing “casual encounters” links and he said it was just to see naked pictures. Now that I think about it, I think to myself, “Are you STUPID? Do you really think that he was just looking for naked pictures??”

I mean, I thought that our sex life was pretty good although we don’t do it as much because we share our bed with our kids.

When I told him I found that link, he said, “You really think I would be so stupid to meet up with someone like that? They do these links just to catch someone because it’s illegal.”

At the time we had that confrontation, I had forgiven him. I just can’t forget, especially because of how insecure it’s made me feel.

I used to feel that his fidelity was the one thing I could always count on. Now, I’m not so sure.