It’s Been a Long While

It’s been quite a long time since I have updated here.  So much has happened since then!

I have converted to Christianity. I feel so much better now that I have a relationship with God. I don’t know if any of you remember how I was struggling internally with accepting that it was God’s will that my dad get all of his disabilities during the last 2 years of his life. I have finally accepted it and feel better now. My family and I go to Bible study every Wednesday and attend church on Sundays.

Another thing, Marisol (my co-worker) quit. So, I have taken over her position and I got a raise, so I’ve been pretty glad about that.

It’s sad that Marisol quit because she was jealous that I got a bonus check at one point and she didn’t. I am glad she is gone, though, because I always felt she was having bad thoughts about me and was sending me bad wishes my way.

Anyway, I hope everyone is okay!! 🙂

Dad

My dad passed away last Sunday. Although I am happy that he is now in a better place, I still feel so much sadness that he is permanently gone. I have heard that we will be “reunited” when we all pass away, but I still have a shred of skepticism that doesn’t allow me to fantasize like that. I miss visiting him and seeing him light up when he would see my kids.

I guess I can be grateful that he did meet my kids at all, even if he was bed-ridden and couldn’t speak.

We visited his grave yesterday, and I couldn’t stop crying. I can’t believe I won’t see him again.

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I don’t know if I had written here about my classes. I enrolled into online school. I am almost done with my first class. I have hope for a better future now. I am having a dilemma with transferring my credits, but I’m hoping I will get that fixed soon.

Renewed Love.

I got home on Friday afternoon and I told Edward as soon as I could that I needed to talk to him. I told him I wasn’t going to start a fight, but there were things I needed to discuss with him because it was driving me crazy. I told him about how I felt insecure because of the things I found. I also told him how I didn’t like for him to be playing around too much with my sister-in-law because it made me very uncomfortable. All in all, our conversation went well. I told him that I think I needed to prioritize our love life more and basically say yes to him more often in bed so that we could both be happier. And it’s true. I keep him happy in bed, he keeps me happy out of bed. I guess men tend to need physical reassurance to feel secure in the relationship.

Anyway, when it comes to my sister-in-law, I felt kind of awkward around her after I had told Edward how I felt about them playing around. Well, on Saturday, she started spraying silly string on him and she does things like that so that he could chase her around and stuff. He did get the bottle and sprayed her and I think that was it, but it was still enough to upset me. He was telling me, “Look how much silly string she has in her hair.” And I was washing the dishes and I just nodded without even looking at him. He could tell that I was upset. I told him I was going upstairs to take a bath. In reality, I just wanted to get away from everyone because I couldn’t stand that she was constantly flirting with him like that. Right away, he came upstairs to see if I was actually mad. I told him, “of course I’m mad.” He tells me, “You see? I didn’t start it. She’s the one that started it.” I told him, “Yes, I know, but you need to ignore her when she does that.” I broke down and told him how insecure I felt because of my weight and because I’m older than her (she’s 20 and I’m 26) and I was scared he would lose interest in me. He sort of got emotional as he explained to me that he loved me so much and that he would be dumb to cheat on me because I’m always there for him and he couldn’t imagine his life without me.

After that conversation, I felt so much better. We even had a rendezvous in the restroom yesterday. I’ve been trying to flirt back with him when he flirts with me. I have been sitting next to him in the couch and cuddling with him, which he told me he likes. In return, he helped me change some diapers and also cleaned the kitchen. He even went outside with the kids without even complaining.

I think if I keep showing more affection towards him he won’t feel the need to see as much porn or whatever.

We have been married for almost 4 years and I want this to work out. We just need to keep working on it, no matter what it takes, because we love each other a lot and I can’t imagine being without him sometimes.

Returning to the topic of my sister-in-law, I don’t know if she really is flirting with him on purpose or not, but it does make me upset that I’m letting her and Lupe live with me for free and the she can’t seem to show some respect towards my marriage and not play around inappropriately with my husband, don’t you think?

Why do we dumb ourselves to be with a man? Is it because we don’t think we deserve better or can get a nicer guy? Is it because we are afraid of starting all over again?

I’m thinking about when I confronted him about seeing “casual encounters” links and he said it was just to see naked pictures. Now that I think about it, I think to myself, “Are you STUPID? Do you really think that he was just looking for naked pictures??”

I mean, I thought that our sex life was pretty good although we don’t do it as much because we share our bed with our kids.

When I told him I found that link, he said, “You really think I would be so stupid to meet up with someone like that? They do these links just to catch someone because it’s illegal.”

At the time we had that confrontation, I had forgiven him. I just can’t forget, especially because of how insecure it’s made me feel.

I used to feel that his fidelity was the one thing I could always count on. Now, I’m not so sure.

Insecure!

I am a 26 year old mother of two kids, and let’s just say that my body will never be the same like when I was 20. My Hispanic genes have let me down and I am just so unhappy with my body right now. I tried watching what I was eating, but it got really hard, especially when my husband doesn’t like to eat healthy foods.

Anyway, so the other day I found pictures of half-naked women in Edward’s phone. I was hurt more than anything. I thought to myself, is that what he wants me to look like?

I confronted him about it and he apologized. He said he would never do that again. Hm, well that remains to be seen.

To top it off, my brother and my sister-in-law are living with me. My sis-in-law is a sweet girl. She is 20 and thin. She plays around a lot with Edward. They’re always throwing each other stuff and just basically playing around a lot. It’s gotten to the point to where it’s making me insanely jealous and uncomfortable.

I don’t know if it’s just innocent playing or if it’s crossing the line. I know what I’m “supposed” to do. I’m supposed to confront Edward and tell him that I don’t like him playing with my sis-in-law like that.

I’m afraid that by telling him that, he’s going to see me as some clingy wife. At the same time, I can’t help but feel really insecure because of the pictures I found on his phone. Did I mention I also saw that he was looking at escort services? He said it was because they have naked pics and he likes to look at them when I don’t have sex with him. He said he would never be stupid like sleep with someone else.

I told him, “I can put up with a lot as you have seen, but the minute you cheat on me, I’m gone. There’s no turning back on that.” I have always made it clear that the minute he crosses that line, he loses me.

I don’t think I have ever felt this insecure before.

Edward got fired on Friday from his job. Not going to discuss the details, but let’s just say it was something we were expecting, so I wasn’t too shocked when he told me that he was let go.

The good thing is we have taken this situation in stride and haven’t panicked. Also, it looks like he got hired as a salesman for a dealership near my work.

I told him that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this way, he can get a normal job and even spend more time with us, including holidays. Maybe this was meant to be because since he stopped working there, we have gotten along better. (I know it’s been only like 2 or 3 days, but it is better than before).

I pray that he did get this job and that we can improve our financial situation..

Have a great Monday!!

Car ride.

Having Edward pick me up and drop me off from work really sucks. I don’t mind the whole transportation situation. I’m more bothered by his attitude while in the car. He creates an awkward silence between us because he is so obviously annoyed that he has to be picking me up. It’s such an uncomfortable ride.

He could easily be accepted to get a little car but he doesn’t want to be seen in an embarrassing vehicle. Sometimes I don’t know how I fell for him.

My mom had a breakdown.

Edward and have been pretty neutral lately. We avoid talking at times to avoid arguing. I am currently in the process of trying to straighten out our finances and catch up on our bills. He seemed to have agreed to that at first, but now it looks like he really doesn’t want to. 

I have been talking to his mom about this situation and she has helped me find strength to stick to my plan. If Edward can’t agree to this, then I don’t think we can continue with our relationship seeing as how our priorities differ way too much.

We will see how the weekend goes I guess.

I told his mom.

I just texted Edward’s mom about what he told me about killing himself if I left him. She hasn’t responded yet, but I’m glad somebody else that knows him knows about what he said. 

Oh, and to top it off, he is regarding anger management as a joke and doesn’t even want to look for any classes.

I’m going to put my foot down and make him do it when we have the money to do it. Obviously this week we can’t because we are stressed out about money like we always are because of his poor decisions.