Freaking out.

I am freaking out.  Baby is going to be here in 11 days and I am not ready.  Our room is not ready because Edward broke down the walls and tore off the carpet and we can’t even afford all of the necessary supplies at this time.  To top it off, I am way behind on bills and I don’t see an end to it.  I am supposed to be going on maternity leave and I don’t have a single dollar saved.  What the fuck is wrong with us?  Why are we so dumb?

2 more weeks

Baby Layla Danielle will be born in exactly 2 weeks.  I will officially be the mother of 3 children.  After this, I will not be having anymore children.  I am tying my tubes!! For sure I won’t freak out about getting pregnant anymore haha.

At this point, I feel nervous about bringing a baby into this world because I have no idea what we are going to do with her when I go back to work.  I don’t feel that Edward can handle taking care of a baby while working, especially if he has an unreliable schedule and doesn’t know when he will be busy or not.  I guess we will have to play it by ear.  I wish I was one of those persons that has everything pre-planned and know exactly how things are going to be handled.

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Update on my kids:

Adan is 5 1/2 years old and is going to school in Brownsville.  He is in Kinder.  He absolutely loves it.  He has a lot of friends.  His best friends are Summer, Scarlet, and Caleb.  He is very smart and does his homework easily.  He loves reading and asking me the definitions of words.

Christy just turned 4 last month and has a really bright imagination.  She loves playing make-believe with anything, including markers.  She doesn’t go to school yet because she wasn’t 4 when school started, but I can tell that she wants to be in school just like her big brother.  She can be very stubborn and it can be hard to get her to clean, but she is very sweet.

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Update on my marriage:

We have been married for over 6 years by now.  We still struggle a lot, especially with our finances.  However, it does help that Edward does take care of Christy, and he now picks up Adan from school and drops him off in the mornings.  He is also still working with Pop-A-Lock and has been with them for over a year which is great that he is sticking to one job.  He is also still paying for child support.  He is FINALLY fighting for his visitation rights with Miranda.  Next Friday, he is going to be escorted by the police to pick up Miranda since Amy always gives us a hard time.  He has also been talking to his other daughter Genessis over the phone.  Our kids were able to video chat with her as well, so that was pretty cool.

He has grown up a little bit more, so I am hoping that he will be helping out more with Layla than he did with our other kids when they were babies because it’s a lot of work.

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As for me, I had lost 75 lbs, but I have gained like 48 lbs. during this pregnancy… not even kidding.  I plan on trying to breastfeed as much as possible.  That way I can also lose weight at the same time haha. I also plan on returning to exercising and counting calories as soon as I can because I do not enjoy having a double chin.  Yuck.

Am I depressed?

I don’t know if I am actually depressed.  It might just be a temporary thing.  I want to randomly cry.  I do not want to get out of bed, but I do make myself get up.  I do not want to have this baby because of financial reasons.  I do not want to wash clothes or clean up.  I did make myself wash the dishes last night.  I feel really tired half of the time.  I only put make up on and brush my hair because I want to appear normal.

We went to the beach on Saturday and I tried having fun, but damn bill collectors stressed me out.  I think that is what is depressing me- not having money.  How sad that I feel this way.

My Hubby and I

My hubby and I have had our ups and down throughout our whole marriage.  We have been married for almost 6 years.  It is only now that I feel that we have really united as a couple to confront everything.

We are going through the most difficult economical times we have ever faced.  However, nothing makes me happier right now than going home to his arms.  He is my super hero right now.

He is working as an on-call locksmith technician and he is taking care of our 2 kids plus his 12-year-old daughter and he also started his Ebay business again.

I know he is struggling to provide for us, but nothing makes me happier than seeing him try.

I really do love him more than ever now.

I miss my kids.

I am feeling down today.  My kids are at the Great Wolf Lodge with my mom, my sister, and her kids.  I should be happy that they are going to have fun, but I’m not.  I’m worried that my mom is being unfair with Adan like always.  I SHOULD’VE kept them home.

Damn, I was getting good at hiding my feelings today, but when I write, I allow myself to feel all of these feelings.  I just hope I won’t be in tears.

Oh and to top it off, my mom invited my psycho brother over there along with his 3 annoying kids.  Why didn’t she invite me?  Why am I always left out?  Why does he get rewarded for being an asshole?  I try staying within the lines but that doesn’t matter to her.  Damn I wish my dad was still alive so that someone could back me up.

This is going to be the second or third trip where my kids are the only kids without their mom or dad there.  I hate this.  I want to hug them and tell them that I do care about them and I love them so much no matter how Grandma makes them feel.

I wish I was rich so I can take time off with them.

We are so tight financially, like never before.  And now Miranda might spend the whole summer with us. I have always been okay with that, but with the way things are financially, I am stressing about how we are going to feed another mouth.  And she’s a teenager so she eats a lot.

What the hell are we going to do about child care?  Is my husband going to have to watch all 3 of them while working since I am not allowed to bring my kids to work anymore?

I guess we will have to figure it out like the rest of the working parents.

The only thing I know right now is that I wish that my kids were in front of me so I can show them my unconditional love.  My mom’s love is conditional and it always made me feel like shit, and I don’t want my kids to ever feel like that.

David

So my older brother, David, is really upset with me for having talked to his ex-girlfriend even though he told us not to.  He was so mad that he had my light disconnected (it was still under his name) and he threatened to break the windows of our house and that he was going to show us how ugly he could be.  This is considering that I have 2 small kids and I am pregnant.

I am literally scared to be around him.  He makes me feel shaky and nervous.  I nearly cried when he was here because of how fearful I was.

I should’ve called the cops that day, but I didn’t.  I called Mom because I didn’t want to get the police involved and cause a scene.

I just don’t even know what to do.  I want us to forgive each other and move on, but he doesn’t want to admit that his threats were wrong.

:/

2016.

I can’t believe this is my first post of the year!  What has happened so far?

 

-We moved into our new house!

-I lost 75 lbs.

-I am currently 10 weeks pregnant 🙂

 

So yea, a lot has happened this year, although I managed to gain 8 lbs since I found out I was pregnant haha.  But that’s okay with me because I know that I will lose weight again when my baby is born in December.

Moving into our house has been a dream come true.  I’m not going to lie- we still struggle financially.  However, I told my husband last week that our misspending stops right now and we are trying to manage our money better.

Either way, nothing beats coming home to our very own home after all we have been through 🙂

 

Update!

It sure has been a loooong time since I have written here!!!  Things have improved in all aspects of my life as of now.

My husband and I have been getting along so much better- better than ever.  We hardly argue.  We laugh together and play around together and help each other discipline the kids.

I am also on a weight loss journey.  I have lost 25 lbs. in 1 month and a half.  It has made me feel better and I’ve been in a better mood and I have generally felt better about myself.  My husband has been so supportive of my weight loss.  Actually, everyone has been very supportive.  I joined MyFitnessPal and I receive a lot of encouragement there.

I wake up at 5:00 AM from Monday through Friday to do a 2 mile walk.

Oh, and my son has started Pre-K this year!

I know I am just talking about everything, but I am just really excited about my life right now.

We have not bought a house yet, but we are getting closer to that!

Also, I am still going to school online.  I should receive my Bachelor’s Degree in less than 2 years.

I am so happy that I am working on improving all aspects of my life and not just sitting and complaining about it…

Have a great day everyone!

And more fighting.

We try to reconcile and move on, but every new issue brings up the opportunity to disagree.  Something as simple as the changing the kids’ doc. appointment is enough to make us have a huge fight.

I want to leave him so bad.

Fighting all of the Time.

Edward and I have been fighting so much lately, and it is just totally wearing me out.  I feel like I am aging because of the stress that he puts on me.  Sometimes, instead of being a partner, he seems to create more problems than solving them with me.

I do love him, but sometimes I wonder how life would be easier if he wasn’t around. Our money wouldn’t be spent as quickly. We would all be more positive. We wouldn’t even be associated with the pawn shop.

There are times when I have to block thoughts about him so I won’t think of him in a negative light.

Yet here we are, two kids later, living at my mom’s. I am glad, though, that we both have jobs.

I am still continuing with my education online.  I have already completed 3 classes.  I am currently taking a Psychology course.  If all goes well, I will get my Associate’s Degree in Psychology this summer, and my Bachelor’s degree in exactly 2 years and 4 months.

I pray that God give me the strength to finish my classes so that I can get a degree!!! That way I can advance in my career and I won’t have to depend on anyone financially.

Life won’t always be like this… right?

These are the little people that do cheer me up:

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