I realize that this is an unusual way to title an entry, but it seems fitting to me and how I see my dad.
My mom had a ramp built at the office building so that my dad can be taken upstairs to the office easily. Carrying him in the wheelchair upstairs is not only difficult but dangerous.
I said hi to him as soon as I saw him of course. My next actions confused me though. I went back to my desk and continued my paperwork and almost even acted like he wasn’t there.
Keep in mind I hadn’t seen my dad I’m almost 2 weeks.
WHY DON’T I MISS HIM?
I was always close to my father. He always defended me. He always stood by my side. Yes, he was a difficult person to deal with half of the time, but the love I have for my dad had always been very strong.
So back to my question… Why wasn’t I very excited to see him? He still is my dad after all. He’s just handicapped now.
I know I’ve written about this before, but I feel that I need to sort my thoughts to justify my feelings. I feel that my dad has already passed away and that he is now just a living body. I feel that if I stare at his face for too long, I will be reminded of his past self and start crying.
My present-day dad can’t talk. It truly doesn’t bother me that he can’t walk or that he now wears adult diapers or can’t move his arm. His brain isn’t the same. His thought processing isn’t the same.
That is still my dad though. I’ve never been a cold person. On the contrary, I’m a very compassionate person. Then why am I so emotionless when it comes to my present-day dad?
Am I just protecting my heart so that I won’t get too attached to my present-day dad?
Would my past dad be disappointed in my reaction to my present-day dad?
He’s is still a tiny bit like my dad in the sense that he’s happy to see me and my kids.
I don’t even know if my ramblings make any sense.
I still feel guilty and I don’t know what to do about it.